In Between Times
1317 March 2012 by Ian Davis
Things are changing in my life which means I’ll be writing a lot more on this blog about me and what is happening instead of my usual topics. I won’t be writing about technology for the forseeable future so if you mainly subscribe or read my blog for my opinions on RDF and Web Architecture then you might want to consider unsubscribing for a while and checking back every few months to see if things have improved.
Talking or writing about myself has never been easy for me and it hasn’t got any easier with recent events. My faint hope is that if I can talk openly about what I’m feeling then it might help me overcome it and perhaps help others in the future. If you’re reading this then I’ve managed to conquer my fear of exposure and actually pressed the publish button.
At the end of January I resigned from Talis, the company I have devoted myself to for more than six years. Devotion is the right word. I put the whole of myself into Talis and Talis put itself into me. I was a director for several years, am a significant shareholder and during my time have been through some of the toughest situations you can imagine for a small company. Walking away from that and from some of my closest friends is, even weeks later, umbelievable to me.
You might be wondering what precipitated it and whether there was a single triggering event, some kind of final confrontation. Well there wasn’t but there were a series of situations and experiences that brought doubt and mistrust into my mind as I was fighting and losing battles on four different fronts. Obviously I can’t and won’t disclose the nature of those events but I can talk about how the isolation affected me and what I feel today.
Back in August I noticed that I was feeling lethargic and demotivated. I put it down to the usual post holiday blues; after all who doesn’t feel down when they come back to work after a fabulous holiday with the people they love? However, this time the blues didn’t lift and they became deeper as time went on. Every day became more of a struggle to get motivated and I could feel myself closing parts of myself down, giving up in some areas that I formerly cared about. My sleep was severely affected, but at first I didn’t recognise the symptoms. I’ve been a night owl forever and I’ve always loved that quiet time that I have to myself while the house is sleeping but this was different. Instead of those late nights being my most creative, they became destructive, my heart racing, my anxiety mounting, lying awake for hours, latched onto a single situation or event, playing it over and over in my mind.
I went offline over Christmas for two amazing weeks, all of which was spent simply playing with and enjoying time with my family. But when I returned in January so did the blues and with them a new feeling of paranoia as I tried to understand the behaviour of people around me that I had trusted so deeply for so many years. Was I imagining things or was this reality? One day I realised that it was impossible to tell and that I couldn’t even trust my own judgment. So I resigned.
The doctor’s diagnosis is depression brought on by stress. I have pills whose printed guidance contains the reassuring sentence that “no-one knows how they work”. In our profession we call it burn out, and its something we read about and fear.
My last day employed by Talis is September 2nd and between now and then I am officially on “gardening leave”. As yet I have no plans past that date. I am truly in between times, not yet sure what I will become.
As a young man starting out I always believed the worst thing to happen to me in the profession I’d chosen would be to lose my sight or the use of my hands. How could I program or create without either of those two things? I was completely wrong though. The worst thing to happen to me is to lose creativity itself. For the whole of my life I have had ideas burning within me, competing for release. I used to laugh and call it a curse to have so many things I wanted to do and so little time to actually do them! Now I am cursed with all the time in the world with no ideas or motivation to create. What scares me the most is the thought that it might not come back.
Now I’ve written this, I like to think that I can write more and that it may be of some use to people who find themselves in the same place as me. I’ve had plenty of time to think over the past few weeks and though most of those thoughts don’t deserve to be aired in public a few might and I’ll attempt to share them in the coming weeks. I’m also interested in hearing from anyone who’s been through this. Email me@iandavis.com
Ian,
the only thing I can say: I am sorry. I know these are difficult times and I hope that this ‘in between’ state will go away soon…
Thank you for sharing this. You’re certainly not the first person in our industry to go through this. I feel like I’ve come close a few times, but been lucky enough to be able to pull back before falling in…. I have very high confidence that once you disentangle yourself from this recent past, and heal a bit, you’ll come through to a place that feels great. What that place might be wont be clear until you’re there, though, so (alas) there’s no short cut.
Definitely not unsubscribing.
Hi Ian,
This is powerful stuff – thanks for sharing.
Like you, I find it incredibly difficult to share things about myself – so it’s great to see someone else with the courage to do so. I think a great number of us techno-creative types go through the ups and downs of creating… many more downs than ups as that is the nature of the beast. Doing so while keeping a start-up together through the bad times (even though they might look like good times from the outside) is equally draining.
I come from a family of artists… it may come more from the creative side than the engineering side of things… I certainly don’t know. Running a company alternately deepens and tears apart the relationships with our partners, both social and business… but really, over time, they become the same thing. It’s different for all of us, of course, and it is so difficult to explain it to people that have not been through something like it before. Doubting yourself, and sometimes those around you, is a constant battle… and one that is better kept to yourself (at least it feels that way) than put out there.
I wouldn’t dream of thinking that I have any sage advice on the matter… just letting you know that I have a vague idea of how much it sucks. What’s worked for me in the past is changing my situation (the people whom I associate with, my schedule, my focus), sometimes drastically, which it sounds like you’re doing.
I think you’re absolutely brilliant… many, many other people that I know think the same. There are many times that “Have you passed this by Ian Davis” have been mentioned in a private conversation. Each time that phrase has been uttered, I’ve thought “Well, I better get my shit together before passing it by Ian”. I know you will find your creativity again, it’s an inextricable part of you. I have never met a true creator that wasn’t able to get it back once the stress and pressure to create wasn’t there anymore.
There are many of us out here that care about how all of this turns out for you. I’m sure some of us are going through the same thing right now, but unlike you, have the courage to talk about it publicly. You’re doing a good thing, looking forward to more of it. Wishing you and yours all the best.
– manu
I can relate, Ian. My depression started around five and a half years ago, when my father passed away unexpectedly. I am not “cured”, nor do I expect to be as I personally consider it a chronic disease, one that I will have to live with and manage for the rest of my life. It’s not easy, because it’s all too simple to relapse by simply succumbing to the malaise (damn you entropy!), and I admit to still doing that on occasion. But I’ve also learned to more thoroughly embrace the pleasure in my life – primarily spending more time with family – and that has put me back on the right path each time. I’ve also taken diet a lot more seriously, not initially as a means to help manage depression, but it’s ended up helping as much as anything else I’ve tried.
Honestly, accepting my depression as chronic made it a whole lot easier to live with. Still not “easy” by any stretch, but quite a bit easier than all the frustration and anxiety I experienced over the course of a couple of years trying to “recover” from it.
If you’d like to talk more, you know where to reach me.
Ian
Be sure of one thing, and I take the few answers already posted here as a proof of it if needed, what you have achieved so far puts you high in this awesome community of people really dedicated to this neverending human quest : to build and improve what I like to call these days the “Knowledge Commons” … at the risk of burning their own wings.
Take a breath, Ian, and as Mark points quite accurately, you have now to learn to live with this fundamental recurrent feeling of useless void, which, life learnt me, all valuable human beings are aware of. For each of us there is a narrow path to discover between the pitfalls of excessive introspection and pointless hyperactivity. I discovered it myself more than twenty years ago through the practice of aikido, which everyday still makes me wonder about the incredible strength and fragility of our body and mind.
I’m confident you’ll be back soon on track on a new, stronger basis.
Take care,
Bernard
Ian, all pass. Perhaps this obstacle in the way, though painful, is necessary in your process to discover something important and creativity back with renewed vigor.
Thank you all for your kind and reassuring words and thanks too to the literally dozens of people who emailed to share their own experiences and those of people close to them. It’s all much appreciated.
Hi Ian,
I am sorry to hear of your situation and can certainly relate to your fears. As others have said, creative individuals tend to veer to (and from!) depression. Please let me say this: You will get better. Not always, maybe not soon, but you will get better. I try to take it when I can get it.
After Tucana closed, I was approached by several venture capitalists and a couple of startups. I couldn’t even begin to focus on their problems, nor to bring the inner fire to care. I wondered how many big ideas I had left. One? Three? None?? The next one took a stunning four years. When it came, I couldn’t maximize the opportunity. Still, it was something and definitely a positive sign.
I am currently in a period of high creativity and high productivity. Oddly, that was brought on coincident with leaving Talis. I have more ideas than I can implement and am constantly worried about how to get the important ones done. I am on top again. How long will that last? How many big ideas do I have left now? I have no idea, but am more accepting of that than I once was. I awake every day with a strong motivation to be productive while I can.
Just maybe, for creative professionals, the crisis you are experiencing is part of the process. At least you are not alone.
Regards,
Dave
Thanks so much for what you’ve contributed to the community thus far, Ian. I hope you’ll reconnect with your muse soon — in whatever field s/he may lead you. I also hope you’ll share more when it feels right to you to do so.
Hey Ian,
A belated response, reflecting the shortcomings of my frequent Twitter-sabbaticals…
I wanted to take the chance to say thank you for bringing me to Talis, what seems like an age ago, and for supporting me in all the varied things I’ve done in that time. It’s been a real pleasure. You will be greatly missed.
Without doubt you are one of the most productive and creative people I know — frustratingly so at times! I remember periods when barely a week went by without you unveiling another new project, conjured up somehow while the rest of us ran just to try and stand still. That talent is immutable. It’s not dead, just resting.
I hope the next few months give you the rest and breathing space you need. Exciting times ahead, all in good time.
Take care,
Tom.
Really sorry to hear this. Please get take the time to get well. It will all come back at a time that works best for you, and of course your family.
The very best wishes to you and your family.
Kingsley
Hi Ian,
You have my fullest respect and sympathy. I admire your openness, which I think is important and way too rare. I can relate. I have an anxiety disorder which comes in waves, ranging from the odd worry to a waking nightmare of inertia. Over the years I’ve realized that I have to let it ebb away, cast adrift until I get a bearing. I wish you the best and hope that you’ll soon emerge from the void with a new perspective and refreshed motivation to create. Your work has been and will continue to be of great importance and influence.
Sincerely,
Niklas
[...] or ‘people’ focussed than the company I left in order to join Talis. Ian left Talis a few months ago, I know he has a lot to deal with, and he is! But I do miss him. He has always inspired me and he [...]